Its more than a month since my big problem deceased, and even i already told my full gratitude to the people who helped me; i feel like its not enough and i need to write a blog about it. Ranting about problems online is a great way of a release but giving thanks is way better.
Before anything else,
I know im not worthy of saving, but God still gave his mercy to me through Jesus Christ out of love. I never could have imagine that there are real people will also helped me and of course like Christ its out of love. I tried begging for help, tried alot of gimmicks to have a solution and prayed every single second for answers. i got so depressed, that my body just wanted to sleep all day; thinking my brains out for solution and hiding from shame. It was painful, mentally painful. the worst is that you have to act and be normal for your kids and family, not knowing you’re caryying a timebomb. Im ashamed really, but being too grateful for the love erases all the worries. Again,
Thank you for constantly loving me. For accepting my many shortcomings and always believing that i can get up everytime i fall down. You keep on saying you are proud of me. But im more proud of you guys for loving alot of people like Christ. For choosing to love than shaming or not doing anything at all. I know im not the only one you have helped, though i know im the worst (no pun intended :p ) I love you Ate Mookee and Ate tibong. Again,
So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. – Matthew 7:17
I feel like I’m a seed thrown in a rocky ground, it did sprung up but still died because it doesn’t have enough soil or enough depth. I’m tried of being a bad seed that keeps on being planted and keeps rotting.
My family loves me, and they always makes sure I can get up on so many bad situation I’ve been through. But I don’t know why! I keep on disappointing them and keep on disappointing myself. Its like the point of my existence is just to fail. My mom told me, out of frustration that “whatever you will do, you will fail.” I’m starting to believe her. Because even I wanted to change my past actions keeps pulling me down. As if it’s a wild party down there, that it will not be happy without me getting all the karma.
I really don’t understand why all my decisions is not working out in my life. Im worried because if I’m a bad fruit, the fruit that I will bear is also a bad fruit. Meaning my kids will have the same fate that I have. I’m not going to allow that! I have to figure out, how to get out from here.
I’m 28yrs. old and I’m still not stable, I can’t provide for my kids. I can’t provide for myself. I have all the ideas in the world, but I’m so scared because it might just fail. I guess I’m dreaming too high, that I can’t reach it. I’m trying to crawl into it but it’s doest have enough rope to go up.
I prayed and prayed, I cried most of the nights, I stayed at the shower for more than a hour just standing while the water pours down my regrets and staying up late just eyes wide open thinking and dreaming.
I’m in big trouble right now and nobody knows about it because I don’t want to disappoint everyone who loves me. I’m trying to fix things but I’m not getting anywhere. I have no idea how to deal with it and where to get advice. So im reading the Bible to look for guidance, and it all lead me of who I am. Sluggard, unrighteous, poor, disgraceful and alot of depressing adjective I can find. It hurts alot to know that God want to cut you from His branches.
And it Hit me.
I’ve been here before so many times and my God is always with me! Sometimes it’s a late answer, but he always does. FUCK YOU DEVIL for playing my mind! I know Im a sinner but my JESUS CHRIST already saved me. Whatever curse I’ve put myself I know God already cut it down!
Since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God
– 1peter 1:23
I will rise from this pit, because there is no deep pit that my JESUS love can’t reach. I believe that he will rescue me again.
I want to change, and I will change. Somehow I realize I need to grow up for my kids this time. No more sleeping on my responsibility!
A multimillionaire told me, ”
you have to change your mentality regarding money”. I guess he is right. Maybe my mindset on things is not where it should be. But one thing I know that I can learn to be good and be better. I will get better for my kids this time.
Last chance from so many chances.
Lord please give me provision and lots of wisdom to get out of this problem, and give me that one last chance to a clean slate life. Thank you!
Last rant for the week!
I have lost the love of my life twice back in 2006 and 2009. Even its been so long the pain keeps on lingering. It will linger when you feel so helpless, you will feel it when your whole life with them it the best moment of your life, your tears will pour when you miss their smile and voice, and you will tear apart when you find yourself so depressed because they are the only person who you want to be proud of you.
I was looking at the old photos of my grandparents, because im going to print it for my store. The store was my grandparents, and im turning it into a small food/ cake hub. I was just scrolling and saving pictures until a drop of tear fell on my lap. And it burst. I have two kids and i love them, but i dont think i ever love a person more than i love my grandparents. They were my parents while my mom and dad live somewhere far with my brother. I keep on telling myself before when they were alive that, “its better for me to die, than seeing my Lolo and lola pass away because i dont i can take it”. But i did faced the inevitable, and it broke myself completely. Of course, i live my life, i smiled, laughed and i became happy and i thought some of the time, that somehow i can take it. But still you will mourn for your true love forever. I just miss them so much. i hope they are just here to see me keep on standing despite my failures. i hope to share my crazy ideas to success. i hope for them to see how i became a mother to my kids. I hope to become them as a mother and father. as a family.
Its just painful, til i see you again.
I’m not sure if my faith is making me blind. and having this thought, that makes me want to question my own faith with God. Not that I’m losing belief. But rather, I’m scared of having too much of it is making me blind to reasons. I have a BIG problem, that I cannot solve on my own. But I’m not worried because I know God will give me breakthrough.And I have a strong faith that he will help me, like how he helped me Everytime. I’m worried, for not worrying. Time already passed I should have delt with my problem, still I don’t have any solutions. I’m still waiting for God. I know God don’t answer, the way we want him to answer and I know we must act too. But still no answer. I’m just scared to face that there is no answer to it, because I’m not the only person who is going to be affected with problem but my two sons. Lord please answer me.
The Richness of your heart, is rewarded with a Sweetest indebtedness
You’re growing so fast
Im scared it wouldn’t last
I was so young, having you
Too childish to realize you needed me too
I searched for myself,
Just to find, that everything of me is in you.
Time had passed
The moment we should have had lapsed
The ABC and 123 was taught
But the tantrums and No’s is what I caught
The manners and responsibilities was known
And still I can’t remember who have shown
You deserve a life greater than what I had
Now my everything is lacking, even if I add
Im ashame of me, as your provider
What I have is not enough, for you and your brother
I don’t know how to start,
And I know there are still a lot to choke
Especially the promises that I broke
Our life is not like a Lego that you played
When it turns out wrong, you can just remade
But I’m willing to put the lost pieces into place
It’s my obligation that I have to make
And this time, there is no mistake
Looking at you, growing just fine
Still I can’t believe, that you are mine