My underlying problems

I’m not sure if my faith is making me blind. and having this thought, that makes me want to question my own faith with God. Not that I’m losing belief. But rather, I’m scared of having too much of it is making me blind to reasons. I have a BIG problem, that I cannot solve on my own. But I’m not worried because I know God will give me breakthrough.And I have a strong faith that he will help me, like how he helped me Everytime. I’m worried, for not worrying. Time already passed I should have delt with my problem, still I don’t have any solutions. I’m still waiting for God. I know God don’t answer, the way we want him to answer and I know we must act too. But still no answer. I’m just scared to face that there is no answer to it, because I’m not the only person who is going to be affected with problem but my two sons. Lord please answer me.

Seeking to be closer to HIM

Im not a NEWBIE with my faith, but just recently i DECLARE that i want to build stronger RELATIONSHIP with Our Lord JESUS CHRIST. ~Its not that i want to be “GOODY GOODY” person or a “HOLY” to others, but to be HOLY and SHAMELESS to my Father, Almighty. I dont know if you ever felt the urge of seeking for His presence, not just because your broke or have a major problem but the sense of being complete and wanted peace.

I seek God many times in my life, and many times i failed because the temptation is just much stronger than my faith. And due to that, i usually end up making a bad choice and in a FUCKED UP situation. But still God makes his weird way to pull me back to HIM… And i so grateful that he does that.

2 weeks ago, i finally had the courage to sign up for a VICTORY GROUP (a church groupss of individual with same faith from a same church). So i fill-up a card with my name, age and civil status. I checked “SINGLE” and wrote on the side “mother”, just to make sure ill belong to a group with same situation.

Then last week ago, someone texted and invited me to their group. I replied and went this last sunday to meet her. I call her “N”, she’s very witty, younger than me and older in faith. We did this “121” or 1 on 1, by getting to know each other and sharing each other experiences with the grace of the LORD.

It was exciting, coz finally i have someone i can talk and go to that will help me build a stronger relationship with God. We used this booklet, as a guide. Actually she gave it to me as a gift. (ehem! its not for free) There are 7 stages to discuss, 1 stage per meeting.

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Now let me take you to my “121” journey..

As a START

Stop TRUSTING in yourself and just TRUST in Jesus Christ alone for salvation.

8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – 9not by works, so that no one can boast (EPHESIANS 2:8,9)

How great is that? not to worry and just trusting. i know its hard to trust everything in one person, especially to someone you cant see on a daily basis or ever!. But isn’t great  that there is someone who so more than willing to help you carry everything your thinking and worrying about.  when you analyze or trying to understand your own thought, mostly it end up as mess. And you end up more on thinking and worrying again. You should trust His WILL for you, because what he wants for us is whats good for us.

Turn away from everything the bible calls sin

Nevertheless, God’s solid foundation stand firm, sealed with this inscription: “the Lord knows those who are his,” and, “everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from wickedness.” (2 TIMOTHY 2:19)

As my mentor “N” read this to me. I told her this will the most challenging part, because we sinned everyday. We are Human Being, and its our nature. Its our nature to be lustful, to be angry, to be insensitive to others, to keep bitterness in our heart and lots of bad things. SO ITS HARD to turn away to something you are not aware your doing. But you know what!, “if there is a will, there is a way” and if you really focus your eyes to Jesus. You might not avoid sin, but you will be aware and you will know how to stop or react.

I prayed about this a long time ago, for God to tell me what to do or how to avoid things that make me shameful to his eyes. In my amaze every time there is something bad that’s going to happen that eventually gonna  affect on people. I usually have dreams before it happens. Dreams that i acted BADLY, and waking up on that  gives me an opportunity to reflect. And when the same situation arise (usually as soon i woke up), i know what to do. YES it maybe a coincidence, but it happened to me more the twice. AS IN the same situation in my dreams (FREAKY!). The only difference is my reaction to the situation and the result. I consider that as a gift.

But as simple as you know its a sin and you know there is a  guilt, it is enough stop whatever it is.

Attend a small group for personal discipleship and weekly worship services.

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching. (HEBREW 10:25)

I did attempt many times to get into a victory group, but i usually ignore their texts or invites because i don’t have time or don’t want to waste my time on it. Even in reading a bible, ill read straight for a week, then ill just got bored and stop. So somehow giving up on whats important was became a habit.

But now i realize the importance of having someone who can guide you to your walk with God. Its really nice you have a friend with the same faith, someone who can pray for you, someone who can pray with you and someone who can remind you the right path to take 🙂

Its like a coal with fire, if you dont feed the coal with more coal as it burns. The fire will eventually die. But if you put more coal on it, the fire will be stronger.

Read and obey your bible everyday.

Do not let this Book of the law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.Then you will be prosperous and successful.” (JOSHUA 1:8)

If you read a bible for the sake of just reading it, you will eventually fail to finish it cover to cover 🙂 IT WILL DEFINITELY BORE you OUT! ive been there. i will just read half a chapter and im gone to wonderland.

But if your seeking for God, for guidance, for sense of completeness, for hope, then bible is your first bet than a chick flick story book. The bible is a very interesting book, it has horror, action, suspense, drama, bit of comedy, revelations, and the best part is ITS REALLY TALKING ABOUT YOUR SALVATION, and HOW GOD LOVES YOU by giving His only SON (Unlike other books that has a certain target market). Plus its a guidelines how to live your life according to our Father.

Tell others about your new relationship with Christ

“19Jesus did not let him, but said, “Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.”20 So the man went away and began to tell in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him. And all the people were amazed. (MARK 5: 19,20)

Have you ever experience the first time you said I LOVE YOU/YES/I DO to your love one? The excitement, the butterfly in your stomach and the exploding of feelings that you wanted to TELL the whole WORLD that you love that person? Its the same with having a relationship with JESUS. No shame will cover you emotion from SHOUTING how you are LOVE and BLESS with God’s GRACE 🙂

You are Silently Screaming in me

You listen when im silent
You understand when im lost
You see when im hiding
You believe in me when i lost control
You waited when im in the dark
You speak when im deaf
You hug me when im confused
You answer even im not asking
You keep me safe when in too happy
You screamed when im blinded
You fight for me whenever im claimed
You provide when im in need
You run whenever i fall

Nothing i can do for you to stop
Nothing i can do to give back
Nothing i can do to pay back
Nothing i can do to out love

Only to accept and believe in you is my effort for all these.

Thank you for knowing me better than myself.

I have an Awesome Lord, Jesus Christ.

ANSWERED PRAYER – 1 hour free time

GOD did gave the 1HOUR i prayed today 🙂 AMaYYYYYzhiiing!!!!

I was hesitant to go to makati this morning for a 4pm final interview,  because ive got tons to bake, i don’t feel like going out, and having second thought of getting that job.  BUT i know and something inside me is telling  that i need to. Yes i have to, because i have two kids to raise and i cant rely on my mom and the baking alone. The business is doing good, it pays the necessities but no extra for insurance, leisure and emergency. And need to save up for Blake’s school 2 years from now… (OH NO!!!)

I did experienced working, no weekends, no bonding days with my kid, no church and the NIGHT and SLEEPING are my best friend. Its a wasted time and life for me. Thinking back, i rather spent it with my kids and bake happily! But then i cant be selfish with my kids future. So i prayed about it, because i know my life is with God’s hands now. I know God already have laid out His good plan for me (best plan rather!).

I’ve been dealing with this dilemma for about a week now, after finishing the 2nd interview. I didnt look for this job, it just called me, so i figure “what the heck, let me just dip to it”. Since everything is going smoothly with the company, it panics me. I fear that im going to leave my BED, my easy going life, my kids, my care free decision at home, my movie marathon whenever i want (TAMAD LANG!) But honestly, i fear to go out because i fear that i might go back and love being independent, going out at night, being irresponsible and spend money as if i don’t have any obligation.  I fear to be who i was before.

So i prayed about it many times and the answer is always:

“Do not love sleep or you will grow poor, stay awake and you will have food to spare” (proverbs 20:13)

” A sluggard does not plow in season: So at harvest time he looks but finds nothing.” ( Proverbs 20:4)

Yah, i know God is telling me quit being so LAZY! 🙂 i admit it, i love taking a nap/sleep and just do whatever in my own time…

I kept on thinking what does God want me to do, and i kept on searching in my heart how to figure things out. SHOULD I get a job or SHOULD i bake full time?

and yesterday i came across with this:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean on not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I realize its not for me to understand everything but just TRUST in His way. Because whatever God’s will is good and right, not jut for me but for my family.

This morning, i woke up still waiting for an answer, IS THIS JOB RIGHT FOR ME, AM I READY?. i waited til i finished my errands and bake til 2:30pm (two cake still in the oven). I prayed again. And this time i got my answer. “STOP BEING SELFISH! GO NOW!” it was clear and i know it was God through the Holy Spirit. (NOPE, its not like a movie where there is a creepy voice.) So i took a bath, changed to corporate attire, explain and ask my helper to take the cake when its done (while combing my hair and putting some gloss) and check the time it was quarter to 3pm. (YEP girls can take a bath that fast too!).

BiTeeDub…Makati is a 45mins drive WITHOUT a traffic!  but its weekdays and FRIDAY means TRAFFIC.  so i need at least another hour to make it to makati driving.

i prayed again. This time for 1 hour free time. maybe 1 hour zoom to make it to 4pm in the venue, or make the HR manager to be late an hour.. prayed that for me to make it by 4pm.

Amazingly, the traffic wasn’t so bad going to makati, it was just enough for me to be outside the building in exact 4pm! But the problem is, i dont have anywhere to park the freaking car. Drove around for 20mins just to look for a parking space. SO IM 20MINS LATE! Went up to the building and look for the HR manager. The assistant told me, “MAM, im sorry can you wait, the manager is on a meeting!” and i replied with glittering of happiness in my two eyes ”SURE NO PROBLEM.” Waited for exact 40mins!

WOW!!!!!! God answered my prayer! God gave me the 1 hour free time to make it to the interview. i should have asked for atleast 30mins though 😛 hehehehe..

Anyway, God is faithful! Despite of my worries, he is there. Despite of my Doubt, he proves. Despite of my fear, he calms me. I realize i will not go back to who i was, because I DIED. Was ME, died with Christ already.

“For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” (Colossians 3:3)

And now Im New again, with Christ.  Jesus did not payed his own blood for nothing and im so greatful for the FORGIVENESS and especial for the SALVATION. I prayed that in any situation i will remember what he did. So whatever hang on my mind I KNOW EVERYTHING WILL BE OK and WILL be RIGHT because God’s Grace and Love is unending.

I have to wait til monday next week  for the result of my evaluation. I will just leave it to God. So no worries for me if i get in or not. 🙂

BLOPPERS moments:

– Going home, i hold my pee for more than an hour diving (FIRST TIME) it was crazy painful!!!! 🙂

– Went to the nearest Mcdonalds available to release liquid, and buy dinner.. Forgot to turn off my headlight as i park. it was on for 15mins inside the parking lot.

– went to parking and turn off the headlight. took a quick bite with the burger and fries (means half of everything) and drove away

– 2mins later the traffic enforcer stopped me. At first i thought maybe it was because i  was eating inside the car or there are fries inside my mouth saying hello! :)But it was just i forgot to turn the headlights again and  it was 8pm already.