When it lingers

I have lost the love of my life twice back in 2006 and 2009. Even its been so long the pain keeps on lingering. It will linger when you feel so helpless, you will feel it when your whole life with them it the best moment of your life, your tears will pour when you miss their smile and voice, and you will tear apart when you find yourself so depressed because they are the only person who you want to be proud of you.

I was looking at the old photos of my grandparents, because im going to print it for my store. The store was my grandparents, and im turning it into a small food/ cake hub. I was just scrolling and saving pictures until a drop of tear fell on my lap. And it burst. I have two kids and i love them, but i dont  think i ever love a person more than i love my grandparents. They were my parents while my mom and dad live somewhere far with my brother. I keep on telling myself before when they were alive that, “its better for me to die, than seeing my Lolo and lola pass away because i dont i can take it”. But i did faced the inevitable, and it broke myself completely. Of course, i live my life, i smiled, laughed and i became happy and i thought some of the time, that somehow i can take it. But still you will mourn for your true love forever. I just miss them so much. i hope they are just here to see me keep on standing despite my failures. i hope to share my  crazy ideas to success. i hope for them to see how i became a mother to my kids. I hope to become them as a mother and father. as a family.

Its just painful, til i see you again.

ANSWERED PRAYER – 1 hour free time

GOD did gave the 1HOUR i prayed today 🙂 AMaYYYYYzhiiing!!!!

I was hesitant to go to makati this morning for a 4pm final interview,  because ive got tons to bake, i don’t feel like going out, and having second thought of getting that job.  BUT i know and something inside me is telling  that i need to. Yes i have to, because i have two kids to raise and i cant rely on my mom and the baking alone. The business is doing good, it pays the necessities but no extra for insurance, leisure and emergency. And need to save up for Blake’s school 2 years from now… (OH NO!!!)

I did experienced working, no weekends, no bonding days with my kid, no church and the NIGHT and SLEEPING are my best friend. Its a wasted time and life for me. Thinking back, i rather spent it with my kids and bake happily! But then i cant be selfish with my kids future. So i prayed about it, because i know my life is with God’s hands now. I know God already have laid out His good plan for me (best plan rather!).

I’ve been dealing with this dilemma for about a week now, after finishing the 2nd interview. I didnt look for this job, it just called me, so i figure “what the heck, let me just dip to it”. Since everything is going smoothly with the company, it panics me. I fear that im going to leave my BED, my easy going life, my kids, my care free decision at home, my movie marathon whenever i want (TAMAD LANG!) But honestly, i fear to go out because i fear that i might go back and love being independent, going out at night, being irresponsible and spend money as if i don’t have any obligation.  I fear to be who i was before.

So i prayed about it many times and the answer is always:

“Do not love sleep or you will grow poor, stay awake and you will have food to spare” (proverbs 20:13)

” A sluggard does not plow in season: So at harvest time he looks but finds nothing.” ( Proverbs 20:4)

Yah, i know God is telling me quit being so LAZY! 🙂 i admit it, i love taking a nap/sleep and just do whatever in my own time…

I kept on thinking what does God want me to do, and i kept on searching in my heart how to figure things out. SHOULD I get a job or SHOULD i bake full time?

and yesterday i came across with this:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean on not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I realize its not for me to understand everything but just TRUST in His way. Because whatever God’s will is good and right, not jut for me but for my family.

This morning, i woke up still waiting for an answer, IS THIS JOB RIGHT FOR ME, AM I READY?. i waited til i finished my errands and bake til 2:30pm (two cake still in the oven). I prayed again. And this time i got my answer. “STOP BEING SELFISH! GO NOW!” it was clear and i know it was God through the Holy Spirit. (NOPE, its not like a movie where there is a creepy voice.) So i took a bath, changed to corporate attire, explain and ask my helper to take the cake when its done (while combing my hair and putting some gloss) and check the time it was quarter to 3pm. (YEP girls can take a bath that fast too!).

BiTeeDub…Makati is a 45mins drive WITHOUT a traffic!  but its weekdays and FRIDAY means TRAFFIC.  so i need at least another hour to make it to makati driving.

i prayed again. This time for 1 hour free time. maybe 1 hour zoom to make it to 4pm in the venue, or make the HR manager to be late an hour.. prayed that for me to make it by 4pm.

Amazingly, the traffic wasn’t so bad going to makati, it was just enough for me to be outside the building in exact 4pm! But the problem is, i dont have anywhere to park the freaking car. Drove around for 20mins just to look for a parking space. SO IM 20MINS LATE! Went up to the building and look for the HR manager. The assistant told me, “MAM, im sorry can you wait, the manager is on a meeting!” and i replied with glittering of happiness in my two eyes ”SURE NO PROBLEM.” Waited for exact 40mins!

WOW!!!!!! God answered my prayer! God gave me the 1 hour free time to make it to the interview. i should have asked for atleast 30mins though 😛 hehehehe..

Anyway, God is faithful! Despite of my worries, he is there. Despite of my Doubt, he proves. Despite of my fear, he calms me. I realize i will not go back to who i was, because I DIED. Was ME, died with Christ already.

“For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” (Colossians 3:3)

And now Im New again, with Christ.  Jesus did not payed his own blood for nothing and im so greatful for the FORGIVENESS and especial for the SALVATION. I prayed that in any situation i will remember what he did. So whatever hang on my mind I KNOW EVERYTHING WILL BE OK and WILL be RIGHT because God’s Grace and Love is unending.

I have to wait til monday next week  for the result of my evaluation. I will just leave it to God. So no worries for me if i get in or not. 🙂

BLOPPERS moments:

– Going home, i hold my pee for more than an hour diving (FIRST TIME) it was crazy painful!!!! 🙂

– Went to the nearest Mcdonalds available to release liquid, and buy dinner.. Forgot to turn off my headlight as i park. it was on for 15mins inside the parking lot.

– went to parking and turn off the headlight. took a quick bite with the burger and fries (means half of everything) and drove away

– 2mins later the traffic enforcer stopped me. At first i thought maybe it was because i  was eating inside the car or there are fries inside my mouth saying hello! :)But it was just i forgot to turn the headlights again and  it was 8pm already.

My kid actions hit the “past me” in the booty

Ever heard a phrase from your parents that goes ” you will know what i meant, when you have your own baby”, when they cant figure out what to do with you.

My 9 years old son tantrum and complain everyday, with everything.  Before it was cute, but the older he gets the annoying it become. He is the quite type of kid, when angry or disappointed, he will just stare at you (frowning) and shuts up. They say that its better to have a cry baby than having a kid that loves to play silent treatment.

Honestly, most of the time i don’t know how to deal with him. But being more HONEST, i know. Because that was me, many years ago (too lazy to count back the years :P ). Every time, my son makes his game of tantrum, i think back why i tantrum before. Just to know and understand my sons emotion and to how to fix it. Mostly, its all about attention (like me before) and sometimes trust. But whenever i cant figure it out, 2 things pops on my mind ” Now you know what your parents is talking about” and “Damn, i was such a headache before!”  🙂

The advantage of knowing what you and your parents parenting before is that you can learn from it. I live with my grandparent when i was a kid, they are very strict with everything but super generous on rewards (ONLY WHEN YOUR GOOD)! Whenever i tantrum, the initial reaction is to scold and when i done something really bad i get hit (YUP they do that before, and its all good, thinking back how bratty i was). But one thing i don’t remember them teaching me how to say sorry for what i have done. I wanted to say sorry whenever im being bratty, but after i got scolded or hit, everything is back to normal again and it seems unnecessary already.

 

So every time my son realize what he is doing was wrong and so annoying (after scolding, and mini argument) , i give him a privilege to say sorry to me. Usually i also play silent treatment until he is sorry (HAHAHA!). I also apologize to him from getting mad, and the important thing is to say verbally that you accepted his apology.

How do you deal with your kids tantrum?

 

A Slice of a cake, is a slice of Good Memories

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My grandmother, relaxing in a sweet afternoon.

I grew up with my grandparents, as long as i can remember. I consider my lolo and lola as my real parents, because they’re the one that took care or me since i was a child. They pour me with love, toys, lots of sermon and a cake recipe that stuck on my heart like an arrow from a cupid.

My grandmother loves to cook and bake. She sell 2 kinds of cake (or maybe that’s her best seller), banana cake and Chiffon cake. I used to watch her bake, seeing her sifting flour, beating white eggs, pouring batter in a pan. I love that memory so much, as if it was yesterday that i was sneaking around the kitchen so i can deep my fingers in a bowl of meringue. Lola used to tell me that “raw meringue can give you gas”. And i think she is right, because that’s the only logic explanation why im so gassy :))))

This cake is so connected with my grandmothers name, neighbor calls it “Manang inday’s cake”. And im making a buck out of it now 🙂

Another memory in this cake was my bonding moment with my lolo (grandfather), scraping the crumbs of the cake from the pan. Now me and my lil bro doing it!

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This is more than a cake to me because  its mixed inside with memories and as you slice it, all of your yesterday comes out. So i hope you can also put a good memories inside this cake too 🙂

LEMON CHIFFON CAKE

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2  1/4     cups         All purpose Flour

1               tbsp          Baking powder

1/2          tsp             Salt

1              cup             Sugar

1/2         cup             Oil

3/4        cup             water

7             pcs              Egg yolks

1              tsp              Lemon extract / Fresh lemon juice

1              cup             Egg whites ( from the 7 eggs)

1/2         cup             Sugar

1/2          tsp              Cream of Tartar

DIRECTION

PREHEAT oven 325F

1.) Combine all DRY ingredient and SIFT 3X in a bowl, set aside. – This is IMPORTANT, it will give the cake a fine texture

2.) Combine all LIQUID ingredients in a separate bowl, and add DRY mixture to it, set aside.

3.) In a mixing bowl, put egg whites and beat in a MEDIUM speed til its frothy. Add Cream of tartar and Sugar gradually to the meringue, then change speed to HIGH til its STIFF PEAK.

4.) Add a 1/2 cup of meringue to the batter and mix til it loosen a little.

5.) Then FOLD the rest of meringue GRADUALLY into the batter. AVOID DEFLATING the batter as you FOLD!

6.) Pour batter to a tube pan, and bake for 45mins til toothpick inserted and nothing comes out.

7.) Let it cool completely before serving 🙂

~HAVE A PIECE OF CAKE!