Rotting bad seed

So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. – Matthew 7:17

I feel like I’m a seed thrown in a rocky ground, it did sprung up but still died because it doesn’t have enough soil or enough depth. I’m tried of being a bad seed that keeps on being planted and keeps rotting.

My family loves me, and they always makes sure I can get up on so many bad situation I’ve been through. But I don’t know why! I keep on disappointing them and keep on disappointing myself. Its like the point of my existence is just to fail. My mom told me, out of frustration that “whatever you will do, you will fail.” I’m starting to believe her. Because even I wanted to change my past actions keeps pulling me down. As if it’s a wild party down there, that it will not be happy without me getting all the karma.

I really don’t understand why all my decisions is not working out in my life. Im worried because if I’m a bad fruit, the fruit that I will bear is also a bad fruit. Meaning my kids will have the same fate that I have. I’m not going to allow that! I have to figure out, how to get out from here.
I’m 28yrs. old and I’m still not stable, I can’t provide for my kids. I can’t provide for myself. I have all the ideas in the world, but I’m so scared because it might just fail. I guess I’m dreaming too high, that I can’t reach it. I’m trying to crawl into it but it’s doest have enough rope to go up.

I prayed and prayed, I cried most of the nights, I stayed at the shower for more than a hour just standing while the water pours down my regrets and staying up late just eyes wide open thinking and dreaming.

I’m in big trouble right now and nobody knows about it because I don’t want to disappoint everyone who loves me. I’m trying to fix things but I’m not getting anywhere. I have no idea how to deal with it and where to get advice. So im reading the Bible to look for guidance, and it all lead me of who I am. Sluggard, unrighteous, poor, disgraceful and alot of depressing adjective I can find. It hurts alot to know that God want to cut you from His branches.

And it Hit me.

I’ve been here before so many times and my God is always with me! Sometimes it’s a late answer, but he always does. FUCK YOU DEVIL for playing my mind! I know Im a sinner but my JESUS CHRIST already saved me. Whatever curse I’ve put myself I know God already cut it down!

Since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God
– 1peter 1:23

I will rise from this pit, because there is no deep pit that my JESUS love can’t reach. I believe that he will rescue me again.
I want to change, and I will change. Somehow I realize I need to grow up for my kids this time. No more sleeping on my responsibility!

A multimillionaire told me, ”
you have to change your mentality regarding money”. I guess he is right. Maybe my mindset on things is not where it should be. But one thing I know that I can learn to be good and be better. I will get better for my kids this time.

Last chance from so many chances.

Lord please give me provision and lots of wisdom to get out of this problem, and give me that one last chance to a clean slate life. Thank you!

Last rant for the week!

My underlying problems

I’m not sure if my faith is making me blind. and having this thought, that makes me want to question my own faith with God. Not that I’m losing belief. But rather, I’m scared of having too much of it is making me blind to reasons. I have a BIG problem, that I cannot solve on my own. But I’m not worried because I know God will give me breakthrough.And I have a strong faith that he will help me, like how he helped me Everytime. I’m worried, for not worrying. Time already passed I should have delt with my problem, still I don’t have any solutions. I’m still waiting for God. I know God don’t answer, the way we want him to answer and I know we must act too. But still no answer. I’m just scared to face that there is no answer to it, because I’m not the only person who is going to be affected with problem but my two sons. Lord please answer me.

Someone facebooking me.

A close friend of mine told me, that she was surprised that  her relatives ( whom she havent seen for along time) asked about who i am. They asked, if i’m married and if i have a boyfriend. And of course my friend told them the truth and its a “NO” / “NONE”. I’m not really surprised with those questions, what i’m surprised about is that i’m worth stalking outside my own circle of relatives (No pun intended).

It just made me think, who i am in the eyes of a stranger, and a snooping relatives (no pun intended). [ Yup! we all have those relatives snooping around, just for fun and something the occasional my family is better than yours scenarios, anyway back to my point] So i checked my Fb wall as far as i can and i asked myself what is my perception of this girl. i’m not really writing to explain myself of who i am or how i behave online, and not even to explain my way for you to like me.

My first reaction as a viewer was that she has a 2 kids with 2 different father and no trace of origin, a person who can bake and sell cakes, complain a lot with time and being busy tired,have time to hang out with friends, love to take picture with her kids, and have a smarty pants 3 years old. I did checked it really far, where she goes out a lot with friends a long time ago.

Not much to be curious about really, except for my kids origin part. I know being single mom so young is an eye catcher already but adding a twist of 2 kids with two different father visibly is something to look at. If i’m the stranger checking other accounts with similar situation, ill look for the possible father.

My life is too unorthodox, (Dodging a lot of bullet right now) because its already an open book with a title of “She slept with 2 different men”, “wedlock” or “she’s having a premarital sex.”  Despite of the all out media about sex, facing the reality in front of your face that there are real people that are related to you or to your family that was involve in an infamy situation is still shocking for others.

One of my favorite review from my relative ( whom I’ve never met that time), who told my cousin that i was “Too liberated”, source of judgment “Facebook photos”. And the best one that I’ve heard was from my former paramour that his friend has a bad reviews about me, and i’m not good for him, source of judgment having kids.

I can never blame all of them to be curious or judgmental, i’m not even offended with their snooping around because it is natural for someone to react that way. Yes, it may sting a bit, but the fact that they can only base their perception on me is through that wall. Somehow i myself is to blame, because i’m the one who is in control of what to post about my life. There will always be a filter of what you can give to others, but there are also part of your self you cannot hide just to show how perfect or clean your life is.

A christian radio dj once said ” You can judge, its in the bible. but you can never condemn anyone”.

Tangled between two cry babies

I was minding my own business infront of the computer, when i realized my youngest Blake happily playing with legos. It dawned on me that he is tearing apart his big brothers lego creation that he worked for days. I asked blake what he’s doing and he smiled and said “Look oh!”. I told him that his brother will be mad when he gets home from school, and just put it back to his room. He run and left. So i chased him and ask him eagerly to clean up the toys.

I was helping blake putting the lego’s back, when Andre yelled from outside that he is home. i Looked at the clock and saw it was really Andre. i was rushing to clean the crime scene, and tripped off and pour the legos on the floor. Andre saw the legos and yelled, while blake standing on the side saying “Its mama’s fault, everything’s on the floor”.

To cut it short, Andre was mad crying over his creation and blaming me for letting blake play inside his room, while blake guilty crying and mad at me for being mad at him for not apologizing to his brother.

:/ Way to go me!

Both run off to cry their heart out somewhere in the house and me just stunned in the corner. So i went back to my seat and suddenly Andre called Blake.

Blake came cheerfully as if nothing happened, and Andre asked

Andre: Why did you play with my toys without permission?

Blake: i m going to ask you, but youre in school with your teacher.

Andre: So why did you do it?

Blake: Yes.

Andre: why!

Blake: yes, because i dont have any toy. i want to play with my bike, but its broken.

Andre: You asked for alot of toys, but you end up breaking it like your bike. Stay out of my room!

Blake: But mama did not buy me any toys

Andre: because youre just going to break it.

Blake:Yes. (run off)

Still stunned over everything that had happened. Im not sure who or where to start from their conversation. i know my 3yrs.old need to know his boundaries when it comes to his big brother’s things. But then Andre need to share his toys to his little brother. Hay!!!!!! It tears me apart seeing them fight, but looking back with my siblings, we really dont talk like that we just brawl with each other. hehehehe.. Its just my normal day at home, tangled with my two cry babiestangled

Own space for lego

my 10 years old son, came to me and told me that he NEEDED to have his own room. I asked him why, he said that his little brother is destroying is Lego arts. Pretty silly reason for my eldest but there is a point to it. My youngest indeed is a monster when it comes to reaching, getting, throwing, eating, licking ,smashing our things.

I remember what our pastor sermon said was, raising a kid is like holding a bow and arrow. We as parent an archer, holding our children and aiming them to the target of their best future. Is it my time already to let go of the arrow? Did i aim correctly at the target, is it the right target? These are the thoughts running inside my head as he demand for his own space.

its 1:30am, checked on my kiddos, and Andre is still sleeping on my bed (he got his bed just besides mine), drooling on my youngest foot. He is still my baby, but i know he is old enough to get his own room. I had my room at the same age, and it helped me to have my sense of ownership.

Problem is we dont have any extra room at the house. What i can do is, put division in our room. Atleast i know what he is doing and how messy will it be. My son is 10, and im not sure if i can let go of him too soon.

My kid actions hit the “past me” in the booty

Ever heard a phrase from your parents that goes ” you will know what i meant, when you have your own baby”, when they cant figure out what to do with you.

My 9 years old son tantrum and complain everyday, with everything.  Before it was cute, but the older he gets the annoying it become. He is the quite type of kid, when angry or disappointed, he will just stare at you (frowning) and shuts up. They say that its better to have a cry baby than having a kid that loves to play silent treatment.

Honestly, most of the time i don’t know how to deal with him. But being more HONEST, i know. Because that was me, many years ago (too lazy to count back the years :P ). Every time, my son makes his game of tantrum, i think back why i tantrum before. Just to know and understand my sons emotion and to how to fix it. Mostly, its all about attention (like me before) and sometimes trust. But whenever i cant figure it out, 2 things pops on my mind ” Now you know what your parents is talking about” and “Damn, i was such a headache before!”  🙂

The advantage of knowing what you and your parents parenting before is that you can learn from it. I live with my grandparent when i was a kid, they are very strict with everything but super generous on rewards (ONLY WHEN YOUR GOOD)! Whenever i tantrum, the initial reaction is to scold and when i done something really bad i get hit (YUP they do that before, and its all good, thinking back how bratty i was). But one thing i don’t remember them teaching me how to say sorry for what i have done. I wanted to say sorry whenever im being bratty, but after i got scolded or hit, everything is back to normal again and it seems unnecessary already.

 

So every time my son realize what he is doing was wrong and so annoying (after scolding, and mini argument) , i give him a privilege to say sorry to me. Usually i also play silent treatment until he is sorry (HAHAHA!). I also apologize to him from getting mad, and the important thing is to say verbally that you accepted his apology.

How do you deal with your kids tantrum?