Rotting bad seed

So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. – Matthew 7:17

I feel like I’m a seed thrown in a rocky ground, it did sprung up but still died because it doesn’t have enough soil or enough depth. I’m tried of being a bad seed that keeps on being planted and keeps rotting.

My family loves me, and they always makes sure I can get up on so many bad situation I’ve been through. But I don’t know why! I keep on disappointing them and keep on disappointing myself. Its like the point of my existence is just to fail. My mom told me, out of frustration that “whatever you will do, you will fail.” I’m starting to believe her. Because even I wanted to change my past actions keeps pulling me down. As if it’s a wild party down there, that it will not be happy without me getting all the karma.

I really don’t understand why all my decisions is not working out in my life. Im worried because if I’m a bad fruit, the fruit that I will bear is also a bad fruit. Meaning my kids will have the same fate that I have. I’m not going to allow that! I have to figure out, how to get out from here.
I’m 28yrs. old and I’m still not stable, I can’t provide for my kids. I can’t provide for myself. I have all the ideas in the world, but I’m so scared because it might just fail. I guess I’m dreaming too high, that I can’t reach it. I’m trying to crawl into it but it’s doest have enough rope to go up.

I prayed and prayed, I cried most of the nights, I stayed at the shower for more than a hour just standing while the water pours down my regrets and staying up late just eyes wide open thinking and dreaming.

I’m in big trouble right now and nobody knows about it because I don’t want to disappoint everyone who loves me. I’m trying to fix things but I’m not getting anywhere. I have no idea how to deal with it and where to get advice. So im reading the Bible to look for guidance, and it all lead me of who I am. Sluggard, unrighteous, poor, disgraceful and alot of depressing adjective I can find. It hurts alot to know that God want to cut you from His branches.

And it Hit me.

I’ve been here before so many times and my God is always with me! Sometimes it’s a late answer, but he always does. FUCK YOU DEVIL for playing my mind! I know Im a sinner but my JESUS CHRIST already saved me. Whatever curse I’ve put myself I know God already cut it down!

Since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God
– 1peter 1:23

I will rise from this pit, because there is no deep pit that my JESUS love can’t reach. I believe that he will rescue me again.
I want to change, and I will change. Somehow I realize I need to grow up for my kids this time. No more sleeping on my responsibility!

A multimillionaire told me, ”
you have to change your mentality regarding money”. I guess he is right. Maybe my mindset on things is not where it should be. But one thing I know that I can learn to be good and be better. I will get better for my kids this time.

Last chance from so many chances.

Lord please give me provision and lots of wisdom to get out of this problem, and give me that one last chance to a clean slate life. Thank you!

Last rant for the week!

When it lingers

I have lost the love of my life twice back in 2006 and 2009. Even its been so long the pain keeps on lingering. It will linger when you feel so helpless, you will feel it when your whole life with them it the best moment of your life, your tears will pour when you miss their smile and voice, and you will tear apart when you find yourself so depressed because they are the only person who you want to be proud of you.

I was looking at the old photos of my grandparents, because im going to print it for my store. The store was my grandparents, and im turning it into a small food/ cake hub. I was just scrolling and saving pictures until a drop of tear fell on my lap. And it burst. I have two kids and i love them, but i dont  think i ever love a person more than i love my grandparents. They were my parents while my mom and dad live somewhere far with my brother. I keep on telling myself before when they were alive that, “its better for me to die, than seeing my Lolo and lola pass away because i dont i can take it”. But i did faced the inevitable, and it broke myself completely. Of course, i live my life, i smiled, laughed and i became happy and i thought some of the time, that somehow i can take it. But still you will mourn for your true love forever. I just miss them so much. i hope they are just here to see me keep on standing despite my failures. i hope to share my  crazy ideas to success. i hope for them to see how i became a mother to my kids. I hope to become them as a mother and father. as a family.

Its just painful, til i see you again.

My underlying problems

I’m not sure if my faith is making me blind. and having this thought, that makes me want to question my own faith with God. Not that I’m losing belief. But rather, I’m scared of having too much of it is making me blind to reasons. I have a BIG problem, that I cannot solve on my own. But I’m not worried because I know God will give me breakthrough.And I have a strong faith that he will help me, like how he helped me Everytime. I’m worried, for not worrying. Time already passed I should have delt with my problem, still I don’t have any solutions. I’m still waiting for God. I know God don’t answer, the way we want him to answer and I know we must act too. But still no answer. I’m just scared to face that there is no answer to it, because I’m not the only person who is going to be affected with problem but my two sons. Lord please answer me.

Word vomit

I just found out that my stupidity somehow saved my life. But now that i know, i just got a little bit more scary

I know its delusional, but i felt like im just spinning around in my sadness and not getting off it, because somehow in my little broken heart felt that its the only connecting strip that i can reach you in my sub conscience. Im afraid to accept that im already fine and complete through Jesus Christ, because i might stop thinking about you, i might forget you.

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The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand. Psalm 37:23-2428244_1152819558324_4389785_n

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Someone facebooking me.

A close friend of mine told me, that she was surprised that  her relatives ( whom she havent seen for along time) asked about who i am. They asked, if i’m married and if i have a boyfriend. And of course my friend told them the truth and its a “NO” / “NONE”. I’m not really surprised with those questions, what i’m surprised about is that i’m worth stalking outside my own circle of relatives (No pun intended).

It just made me think, who i am in the eyes of a stranger, and a snooping relatives (no pun intended). [ Yup! we all have those relatives snooping around, just for fun and something the occasional my family is better than yours scenarios, anyway back to my point] So i checked my Fb wall as far as i can and i asked myself what is my perception of this girl. i’m not really writing to explain myself of who i am or how i behave online, and not even to explain my way for you to like me.

My first reaction as a viewer was that she has a 2 kids with 2 different father and no trace of origin, a person who can bake and sell cakes, complain a lot with time and being busy tired,have time to hang out with friends, love to take picture with her kids, and have a smarty pants 3 years old. I did checked it really far, where she goes out a lot with friends a long time ago.

Not much to be curious about really, except for my kids origin part. I know being single mom so young is an eye catcher already but adding a twist of 2 kids with two different father visibly is something to look at. If i’m the stranger checking other accounts with similar situation, ill look for the possible father.

My life is too unorthodox, (Dodging a lot of bullet right now) because its already an open book with a title of “She slept with 2 different men”, “wedlock” or “she’s having a premarital sex.”  Despite of the all out media about sex, facing the reality in front of your face that there are real people that are related to you or to your family that was involve in an infamy situation is still shocking for others.

One of my favorite review from my relative ( whom I’ve never met that time), who told my cousin that i was “Too liberated”, source of judgment “Facebook photos”. And the best one that I’ve heard was from my former paramour that his friend has a bad reviews about me, and i’m not good for him, source of judgment having kids.

I can never blame all of them to be curious or judgmental, i’m not even offended with their snooping around because it is natural for someone to react that way. Yes, it may sting a bit, but the fact that they can only base their perception on me is through that wall. Somehow i myself is to blame, because i’m the one who is in control of what to post about my life. There will always be a filter of what you can give to others, but there are also part of your self you cannot hide just to show how perfect or clean your life is.

A christian radio dj once said ” You can judge, its in the bible. but you can never condemn anyone”.