Seeking to be closer to HIM

Im not a NEWBIE with my faith, but just recently i DECLARE that i want to build stronger RELATIONSHIP with Our Lord JESUS CHRIST. ~Its not that i want to be “GOODY GOODY” person or a “HOLY” to others, but to be HOLY and SHAMELESS to my Father, Almighty. I dont know if you ever felt the urge of seeking for His presence, not just because your broke or have a major problem but the sense of being complete and wanted peace.

I seek God many times in my life, and many times i failed because the temptation is just much stronger than my faith. And due to that, i usually end up making a bad choice and in a FUCKED UP situation. But still God makes his weird way to pull me back to HIM… And i so grateful that he does that.

2 weeks ago, i finally had the courage to sign up for a VICTORY GROUP (a church groupss of individual with same faith from a same church). So i fill-up a card with my name, age and civil status. I checked “SINGLE” and wrote on the side “mother”, just to make sure ill belong to a group with same situation.

Then last week ago, someone texted and invited me to their group. I replied and went this last sunday to meet her. I call her “N”, she’s very witty, younger than me and older in faith. We did this “121” or 1 on 1, by getting to know each other and sharing each other experiences with the grace of the LORD.

It was exciting, coz finally i have someone i can talk and go to that will help me build a stronger relationship with God. We used this booklet, as a guide. Actually she gave it to me as a gift. (ehem! its not for free) There are 7 stages to discuss, 1 stage per meeting.


Now let me take you to my “121” journey..


Stop TRUSTING in yourself and just TRUST in Jesus Christ alone for salvation.

8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – 9not by works, so that no one can boast (EPHESIANS 2:8,9)

How great is that? not to worry and just trusting. i know its hard to trust everything in one person, especially to someone you cant see on a daily basis or ever!. But isn’t great  that there is someone who so more than willing to help you carry everything your thinking and worrying about.  when you analyze or trying to understand your own thought, mostly it end up as mess. And you end up more on thinking and worrying again. You should trust His WILL for you, because what he wants for us is whats good for us.

Turn away from everything the bible calls sin

Nevertheless, God’s solid foundation stand firm, sealed with this inscription: “the Lord knows those who are his,” and, “everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from wickedness.” (2 TIMOTHY 2:19)

As my mentor “N” read this to me. I told her this will the most challenging part, because we sinned everyday. We are Human Being, and its our nature. Its our nature to be lustful, to be angry, to be insensitive to others, to keep bitterness in our heart and lots of bad things. SO ITS HARD to turn away to something you are not aware your doing. But you know what!, “if there is a will, there is a way” and if you really focus your eyes to Jesus. You might not avoid sin, but you will be aware and you will know how to stop or react.

I prayed about this a long time ago, for God to tell me what to do or how to avoid things that make me shameful to his eyes. In my amaze every time there is something bad that’s going to happen that eventually gonna  affect on people. I usually have dreams before it happens. Dreams that i acted BADLY, and waking up on that  gives me an opportunity to reflect. And when the same situation arise (usually as soon i woke up), i know what to do. YES it maybe a coincidence, but it happened to me more the twice. AS IN the same situation in my dreams (FREAKY!). The only difference is my reaction to the situation and the result. I consider that as a gift.

But as simple as you know its a sin and you know there is a  guilt, it is enough stop whatever it is.

Attend a small group for personal discipleship and weekly worship services.

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching. (HEBREW 10:25)

I did attempt many times to get into a victory group, but i usually ignore their texts or invites because i don’t have time or don’t want to waste my time on it. Even in reading a bible, ill read straight for a week, then ill just got bored and stop. So somehow giving up on whats important was became a habit.

But now i realize the importance of having someone who can guide you to your walk with God. Its really nice you have a friend with the same faith, someone who can pray for you, someone who can pray with you and someone who can remind you the right path to take 🙂

Its like a coal with fire, if you dont feed the coal with more coal as it burns. The fire will eventually die. But if you put more coal on it, the fire will be stronger.

Read and obey your bible everyday.

Do not let this Book of the law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.Then you will be prosperous and successful.” (JOSHUA 1:8)

If you read a bible for the sake of just reading it, you will eventually fail to finish it cover to cover 🙂 IT WILL DEFINITELY BORE you OUT! ive been there. i will just read half a chapter and im gone to wonderland.

But if your seeking for God, for guidance, for sense of completeness, for hope, then bible is your first bet than a chick flick story book. The bible is a very interesting book, it has horror, action, suspense, drama, bit of comedy, revelations, and the best part is ITS REALLY TALKING ABOUT YOUR SALVATION, and HOW GOD LOVES YOU by giving His only SON (Unlike other books that has a certain target market). Plus its a guidelines how to live your life according to our Father.

Tell others about your new relationship with Christ

“19Jesus did not let him, but said, “Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.”20 So the man went away and began to tell in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him. And all the people were amazed. (MARK 5: 19,20)

Have you ever experience the first time you said I LOVE YOU/YES/I DO to your love one? The excitement, the butterfly in your stomach and the exploding of feelings that you wanted to TELL the whole WORLD that you love that person? Its the same with having a relationship with JESUS. No shame will cover you emotion from SHOUTING how you are LOVE and BLESS with God’s GRACE 🙂


Word vomit

I just found out that my stupidity somehow saved my life. But now that i know, i just got a little bit more scary

I know its delusional, but i felt like im just spinning around in my sadness and not getting off it, because somehow in my little broken heart felt that its the only connecting strip that i can reach you in my sub conscience. Im afraid to accept that im already fine and complete through Jesus Christ, because i might stop thinking about you, i might forget you.


The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand. Psalm 37:23-24


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Someone facebooking me.

A close friend of mine told me, that she was surprised that  her relatives ( whom she havent seen for along time) asked about who i am. They asked, if i’m married and if i have a boyfriend. And of course my friend told them the truth and its a “NO” / “NONE”. I’m not really surprised with those questions, what i’m surprised about is that i’m worth stalking outside my own circle of relatives (No pun intended).

It just made me think, who i am in the eyes of a stranger, and a snooping relatives (no pun intended). [ Yup! we all have those relatives snooping around, just for fun and something the occasional my family is better than yours scenarios, anyway back to my point] So i checked my Fb wall as far as i can and i asked myself what is my perception of this girl. i’m not really writing to explain myself of who i am or how i behave online, and not even to explain my way for you to like me.

My first reaction as a viewer was that she has a 2 kids with 2 different father and no trace of origin, a person who can bake and sell cakes, complain a lot with time and being busy tired,have time to hang out with friends, love to take picture with her kids, and have a smarty pants 3 years old. I did checked it really far, where she goes out a lot with friends a long time ago.

Not much to be curious about really, except for my kids origin part. I know being single mom so young is an eye catcher already but adding a twist of 2 kids with two different father visibly is something to look at. If i’m the stranger checking other accounts with similar situation, ill look for the possible father.

My life is too unorthodox, (Dodging a lot of bullet right now) because its already an open book with a title of “She slept with 2 different men”, “wedlock” or “she’s having a premarital sex.”  Despite of the all out media about sex, facing the reality in front of your face that there are real people that are related to you or to your family that was involve in an infamy situation is still shocking for others.

One of my favorite review from my relative ( whom I’ve never met that time), who told my cousin that i was “Too liberated”, source of judgment “Facebook photos”. And the best one that I’ve heard was from my former paramour that his friend has a bad reviews about me, and i’m not good for him, source of judgment having kids.

I can never blame all of them to be curious or judgmental, i’m not even offended with their snooping around because it is natural for someone to react that way. Yes, it may sting a bit, but the fact that they can only base their perception on me is through that wall. Somehow i myself is to blame, because i’m the one who is in control of what to post about my life. There will always be a filter of what you can give to others, but there are also part of your self you cannot hide just to show how perfect or clean your life is.

A christian radio dj once said ” You can judge, its in the bible. but you can never condemn anyone”.

Tangled between two cry babies

I was minding my own business infront of the computer, when i realized my youngest Blake happily playing with legos. It dawned on me that he is tearing apart his big brothers lego creation that he worked for days. I asked blake what he’s doing and he smiled and said “Look oh!”. I told him that his brother will be mad when he gets home from school, and just put it back to his room. He run and left. So i chased him and ask him eagerly to clean up the toys.

I was helping blake putting the lego’s back, when Andre yelled from outside that he is home. i Looked at the clock and saw it was really Andre. i was rushing to clean the crime scene, and tripped off and pour the legos on the floor. Andre saw the legos and yelled, while blake standing on the side saying “Its mama’s fault, everything’s on the floor”.

To cut it short, Andre was mad crying over his creation and blaming me for letting blake play inside his room, while blake guilty crying and mad at me for being mad at him for not apologizing to his brother.

:/ Way to go me!

Both run off to cry their heart out somewhere in the house and me just stunned in the corner. So i went back to my seat and suddenly Andre called Blake.

Blake came cheerfully as if nothing happened, and Andre asked

Andre: Why did you play with my toys without permission?

Blake: i m going to ask you, but youre in school with your teacher.

Andre: So why did you do it?

Blake: Yes.

Andre: why!

Blake: yes, because i dont have any toy. i want to play with my bike, but its broken.

Andre: You asked for alot of toys, but you end up breaking it like your bike. Stay out of my room!

Blake: But mama did not buy me any toys

Andre: because youre just going to break it.

Blake:Yes. (run off)

Still stunned over everything that had happened. Im not sure who or where to start from their conversation. i know my 3yrs.old need to know his boundaries when it comes to his big brother’s things. But then Andre need to share his toys to his little brother. Hay!!!!!! It tears me apart seeing them fight, but looking back with my siblings, we really dont talk like that we just brawl with each other. hehehehe.. Its just my normal day at home, tangled with my two cry babiestangled

Own space for lego

my 10 years old son, came to me and told me that he NEEDED to have his own room. I asked him why, he said that his little brother is destroying is Lego arts. Pretty silly reason for my eldest but there is a point to it. My youngest indeed is a monster when it comes to reaching, getting, throwing, eating, licking ,smashing our things.

I remember what our pastor sermon said was, raising a kid is like holding a bow and arrow. We as parent an archer, holding our children and aiming them to the target of their best future. Is it my time already to let go of the arrow? Did i aim correctly at the target, is it the right target? These are the thoughts running inside my head as he demand for his own space.

its 1:30am, checked on my kiddos, and Andre is still sleeping on my bed (he got his bed just besides mine), drooling on my youngest foot. He is still my baby, but i know he is old enough to get his own room. I had my room at the same age, and it helped me to have my sense of ownership.

Problem is we dont have any extra room at the house. What i can do is, put division in our room. Atleast i know what he is doing and how messy will it be. My son is 10, and im not sure if i can let go of him too soon.

You are Silently Screaming in me

You listen when im silent
You understand when im lost
You see when im hiding
You believe in me when i lost control
You waited when im in the dark
You speak when im deaf
You hug me when im confused
You answer even im not asking
You keep me safe when in too happy
You screamed when im blinded
You fight for me whenever im claimed
You provide when im in need
You run whenever i fall

Nothing i can do for you to stop
Nothing i can do to give back
Nothing i can do to pay back
Nothing i can do to out love

Only to accept and believe in you is my effort for all these.

Thank you for knowing me better than myself.

I have an Awesome Lord, Jesus Christ.

its been a while…

i bake everyday as part of my job as a pastry chef. But somehow it felt like its been more than a year since i held a spatula,touch a flour, sweating from molding a fondant, smelling a freh baked bread, and running my ass out to keep up with the delivery time. i miss it and its hunting me.