Word vomit

I just found out that my stupidity somehow saved my life. But now that i know, i just got a little bit more scary

I know its delusional, but i felt like im just spinning around in my sadness and not getting off it, because somehow in my little broken heart felt that its the only connecting strip that i can reach you in my sub conscience. Im afraid to accept that im already fine and complete through Jesus Christ, because i might stop thinking about you, i might forget you.

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The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand. Psalm 37:23-2428244_1152819558324_4389785_n

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Someone facebooking me.

A close friend of mine told me, that she was surprised that  her relatives ( whom she havent seen for along time) asked about who i am. They asked, if i’m married and if i have a boyfriend. And of course my friend told them the truth and its a “NO” / “NONE”. I’m not really surprised with those questions, what i’m surprised about is that i’m worth stalking outside my own circle of relatives (No pun intended).

It just made me think, who i am in the eyes of a stranger, and a snooping relatives (no pun intended). [ Yup! we all have those relatives snooping around, just for fun and something the occasional my family is better than yours scenarios, anyway back to my point] So i checked my Fb wall as far as i can and i asked myself what is my perception of this girl. i’m not really writing to explain myself of who i am or how i behave online, and not even to explain my way for you to like me.

My first reaction as a viewer was that she has a 2 kids with 2 different father and no trace of origin, a person who can bake and sell cakes, complain a lot with time and being busy tired,have time to hang out with friends, love to take picture with her kids, and have a smarty pants 3 years old. I did checked it really far, where she goes out a lot with friends a long time ago.

Not much to be curious about really, except for my kids origin part. I know being single mom so young is an eye catcher already but adding a twist of 2 kids with two different father visibly is something to look at. If i’m the stranger checking other accounts with similar situation, ill look for the possible father.

My life is too unorthodox, (Dodging a lot of bullet right now) because its already an open book with a title of “She slept with 2 different men”, “wedlock” or “she’s having a premarital sex.”  Despite of the all out media about sex, facing the reality in front of your face that there are real people that are related to you or to your family that was involve in an infamy situation is still shocking for others.

One of my favorite review from my relative ( whom I’ve never met that time), who told my cousin that i was “Too liberated”, source of judgment “Facebook photos”. And the best one that I’ve heard was from my former paramour that his friend has a bad reviews about me, and i’m not good for him, source of judgment having kids.

I can never blame all of them to be curious or judgmental, i’m not even offended with their snooping around because it is natural for someone to react that way. Yes, it may sting a bit, but the fact that they can only base their perception on me is through that wall. Somehow i myself is to blame, because i’m the one who is in control of what to post about my life. There will always be a filter of what you can give to others, but there are also part of your self you cannot hide just to show how perfect or clean your life is.

A christian radio dj once said ” You can judge, its in the bible. but you can never condemn anyone”.

Tangled between two cry babies

I was minding my own business infront of the computer, when i realized my youngest Blake happily playing with legos. It dawned on me that he is tearing apart his big brothers lego creation that he worked for days. I asked blake what he’s doing and he smiled and said “Look oh!”. I told him that his brother will be mad when he gets home from school, and just put it back to his room. He run and left. So i chased him and ask him eagerly to clean up the toys.

I was helping blake putting the lego’s back, when Andre yelled from outside that he is home. i Looked at the clock and saw it was really Andre. i was rushing to clean the crime scene, and tripped off and pour the legos on the floor. Andre saw the legos and yelled, while blake standing on the side saying “Its mama’s fault, everything’s on the floor”.

To cut it short, Andre was mad crying over his creation and blaming me for letting blake play inside his room, while blake guilty crying and mad at me for being mad at him for not apologizing to his brother.

:/ Way to go me!

Both run off to cry their heart out somewhere in the house and me just stunned in the corner. So i went back to my seat and suddenly Andre called Blake.

Blake came cheerfully as if nothing happened, and Andre asked

Andre: Why did you play with my toys without permission?

Blake: i m going to ask you, but youre in school with your teacher.

Andre: So why did you do it?

Blake: Yes.

Andre: why!

Blake: yes, because i dont have any toy. i want to play with my bike, but its broken.

Andre: You asked for alot of toys, but you end up breaking it like your bike. Stay out of my room!

Blake: But mama did not buy me any toys

Andre: because youre just going to break it.

Blake:Yes. (run off)

Still stunned over everything that had happened. Im not sure who or where to start from their conversation. i know my 3yrs.old need to know his boundaries when it comes to his big brother’s things. But then Andre need to share his toys to his little brother. Hay!!!!!! It tears me apart seeing them fight, but looking back with my siblings, we really dont talk like that we just brawl with each other. hehehehe.. Its just my normal day at home, tangled with my two cry babiestangled

Own space for lego

my 10 years old son, came to me and told me that he NEEDED to have his own room. I asked him why, he said that his little brother is destroying is Lego arts. Pretty silly reason for my eldest but there is a point to it. My youngest indeed is a monster when it comes to reaching, getting, throwing, eating, licking ,smashing our things.

I remember what our pastor sermon said was, raising a kid is like holding a bow and arrow. We as parent an archer, holding our children and aiming them to the target of their best future. Is it my time already to let go of the arrow? Did i aim correctly at the target, is it the right target? These are the thoughts running inside my head as he demand for his own space.

its 1:30am, checked on my kiddos, and Andre is still sleeping on my bed (he got his bed just besides mine), drooling on my youngest foot. He is still my baby, but i know he is old enough to get his own room. I had my room at the same age, and it helped me to have my sense of ownership.

Problem is we dont have any extra room at the house. What i can do is, put division in our room. Atleast i know what he is doing and how messy will it be. My son is 10, and im not sure if i can let go of him too soon.

You are Silently Screaming in me

You listen when im silent
You understand when im lost
You see when im hiding
You believe in me when i lost control
You waited when im in the dark
You speak when im deaf
You hug me when im confused
You answer even im not asking
You keep me safe when in too happy
You screamed when im blinded
You fight for me whenever im claimed
You provide when im in need
You run whenever i fall

Nothing i can do for you to stop
Nothing i can do to give back
Nothing i can do to pay back
Nothing i can do to out love

Only to accept and believe in you is my effort for all these.

Thank you for knowing me better than myself.

I have an Awesome Lord, Jesus Christ.

its been a while…

i bake everyday as part of my job as a pastry chef. But somehow it felt like its been more than a year since i held a spatula,touch a flour, sweating from molding a fondant, smelling a freh baked bread, and running my ass out to keep up with the delivery time. i miss it and its hunting me.