Its more than a month since my big problem deceased, and even i already told my full gratitude to the people who helped me; i feel like its not enough and i need to write a blog about it. Ranting about problems online is a great way of a release but giving thanks is way better.
Before anything else,
I know im not worthy of saving, but God still gave his mercy to me through Jesus Christ out of love. I never could have imagine that there are real people will also helped me and of course like Christ its out of love. I tried begging for help, tried alot of gimmicks to have a solution and prayed every single second for answers. i got so depressed, that my body just wanted to sleep all day; thinking my brains out for solution and hiding from shame. It was painful, mentally painful. the worst is that you have to act and be normal for your kids and family, not knowing you’re caryying a timebomb. Im ashamed really, but being too grateful for the love erases all the worries. Again,
Thank you for constantly loving me. For accepting my many shortcomings and always believing that i can get up everytime i fall down. You keep on saying you are proud of me. But im more proud of you guys for loving alot of people like Christ. For choosing to love than shaming or not doing anything at all. I know im not the only one you have helped, though i know im the worst (no pun intended :p ) I love you Ate Mookee and Ate tibong. Again,
I have lost the love of my life twice back in 2006 and 2009. Even its been so long the pain keeps on lingering. It will linger when you feel so helpless, you will feel it when your whole life with them it the best moment of your life, your tears will pour when you miss their smile and voice, and you will tear apart when you find yourself so depressed because they are the only person who you want to be proud of you.
I was looking at the old photos of my grandparents, because im going to print it for my store. The store was my grandparents, and im turning it into a small food/ cake hub. I was just scrolling and saving pictures until a drop of tear fell on my lap. And it burst. I have two kids and i love them, but i dont think i ever love a person more than i love my grandparents. They were my parents while my mom and dad live somewhere far with my brother. I keep on telling myself before when they were alive that, “its better for me to die, than seeing my Lolo and lola pass away because i dont i can take it”. But i did faced the inevitable, and it broke myself completely. Of course, i live my life, i smiled, laughed and i became happy and i thought some of the time, that somehow i can take it. But still you will mourn for your true love forever. I just miss them so much. i hope they are just here to see me keep on standing despite my failures. i hope to share my crazy ideas to success. i hope for them to see how i became a mother to my kids. I hope to become them as a mother and father. as a family.
Its just painful, til i see you again.