Rotting bad seed

So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. – Matthew 7:17

I feel like I’m a seed thrown in a rocky ground, it did sprung up but still died because it doesn’t have enough soil or enough depth. I’m tried of being a bad seed that keeps on being planted and keeps rotting.

My family loves me, and they always makes sure I can get up on so many bad situation I’ve been through. But I don’t know why! I keep on disappointing them and keep on disappointing myself. Its like the point of my existence is just to fail. My mom told me, out of frustration that “whatever you will do, you will fail.” I’m starting to believe her. Because even I wanted to change my past actions keeps pulling me down. As if it’s a wild party down there, that it will not be happy without me getting all the karma.

I really don’t understand why all my decisions is not working out in my life. Im worried because if I’m a bad fruit, the fruit that I will bear is also a bad fruit. Meaning my kids will have the same fate that I have. I’m not going to allow that! I have to figure out, how to get out from here.
I’m 28yrs. old and I’m still not stable, I can’t provide for my kids. I can’t provide for myself. I have all the ideas in the world, but I’m so scared because it might just fail. I guess I’m dreaming too high, that I can’t reach it. I’m trying to crawl into it but it’s doest have enough rope to go up.

I prayed and prayed, I cried most of the nights, I stayed at the shower for more than a hour just standing while the water pours down my regrets and staying up late just eyes wide open thinking and dreaming.

I’m in big trouble right now and nobody knows about it because I don’t want to disappoint everyone who loves me. I’m trying to fix things but I’m not getting anywhere. I have no idea how to deal with it and where to get advice. So im reading the Bible to look for guidance, and it all lead me of who I am. Sluggard, unrighteous, poor, disgraceful and alot of depressing adjective I can find. It hurts alot to know that God want to cut you from His branches.

And it Hit me.

I’ve been here before so many times and my God is always with me! Sometimes it’s a late answer, but he always does. FUCK YOU DEVIL for playing my mind! I know Im a sinner but my JESUS CHRIST already saved me. Whatever curse I’ve put myself I know God already cut it down!

Since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God
– 1peter 1:23

I will rise from this pit, because there is no deep pit that my JESUS love can’t reach. I believe that he will rescue me again.
I want to change, and I will change. Somehow I realize I need to grow up for my kids this time. No more sleeping on my responsibility!

A multimillionaire told me, ”
you have to change your mentality regarding money”. I guess he is right. Maybe my mindset on things is not where it should be. But one thing I know that I can learn to be good and be better. I will get better for my kids this time.

Last chance from so many chances.

Lord please give me provision and lots of wisdom to get out of this problem, and give me that one last chance to a clean slate life. Thank you!

Last rant for the week!

My underlying problems

I’m not sure if my faith is making me blind. and having this thought, that makes me want to question my own faith with God. Not that I’m losing belief. But rather, I’m scared of having too much of it is making me blind to reasons. I have a BIG problem, that I cannot solve on my own. But I’m not worried because I know God will give me breakthrough.And I have a strong faith that he will help me, like how he helped me Everytime. I’m worried, for not worrying. Time already passed I should have delt with my problem, still I don’t have any solutions. I’m still waiting for God. I know God don’t answer, the way we want him to answer and I know we must act too. But still no answer. I’m just scared to face that there is no answer to it, because I’m not the only person who is going to be affected with problem but my two sons. Lord please answer me.

Single parent bubbles

You’re growing so fast

Im scared it wouldn’t last

I was so young, having you

Too childish to realize you needed me too

I searched for myself,

Just to find, that everything of me is in you.

Time had passed

The moment we should have had lapsed

The ABC and 123 was taught

But the tantrums and No’s is what I caught

The manners and responsibilities was known

And still I can’t remember who have shown

You deserve a life greater than what I had

Now my everything is lacking, even if I add

Im ashame of me, as your provider

What I have is not enough, for you and your brother

I don’t know how to start,

And I know there are still a lot to choke

Especially the promises that I broke

Our life is not like a Lego that you played

When it turns out wrong, you can just remade

But I’m willing to put the lost pieces into place

It’s my obligation that I have to make

And this time, there is no mistake

Looking at you, growing just fine

Still I can’t believe, that you are mine

Someone facebooking me.

A close friend of mine told me, that she was surprised that  her relatives ( whom she havent seen for along time) asked about who i am. They asked, if i’m married and if i have a boyfriend. And of course my friend told them the truth and its a “NO” / “NONE”. I’m not really surprised with those questions, what i’m surprised about is that i’m worth stalking outside my own circle of relatives (No pun intended).

It just made me think, who i am in the eyes of a stranger, and a snooping relatives (no pun intended). [ Yup! we all have those relatives snooping around, just for fun and something the occasional my family is better than yours scenarios, anyway back to my point] So i checked my Fb wall as far as i can and i asked myself what is my perception of this girl. i’m not really writing to explain myself of who i am or how i behave online, and not even to explain my way for you to like me.

My first reaction as a viewer was that she has a 2 kids with 2 different father and no trace of origin, a person who can bake and sell cakes, complain a lot with time and being busy tired,have time to hang out with friends, love to take picture with her kids, and have a smarty pants 3 years old. I did checked it really far, where she goes out a lot with friends a long time ago.

Not much to be curious about really, except for my kids origin part. I know being single mom so young is an eye catcher already but adding a twist of 2 kids with two different father visibly is something to look at. If i’m the stranger checking other accounts with similar situation, ill look for the possible father.

My life is too unorthodox, (Dodging a lot of bullet right now) because its already an open book with a title of “She slept with 2 different men”, “wedlock” or “she’s having a premarital sex.”  Despite of the all out media about sex, facing the reality in front of your face that there are real people that are related to you or to your family that was involve in an infamy situation is still shocking for others.

One of my favorite review from my relative ( whom I’ve never met that time), who told my cousin that i was “Too liberated”, source of judgment “Facebook photos”. And the best one that I’ve heard was from my former paramour that his friend has a bad reviews about me, and i’m not good for him, source of judgment having kids.

I can never blame all of them to be curious or judgmental, i’m not even offended with their snooping around because it is natural for someone to react that way. Yes, it may sting a bit, but the fact that they can only base their perception on me is through that wall. Somehow i myself is to blame, because i’m the one who is in control of what to post about my life. There will always be a filter of what you can give to others, but there are also part of your self you cannot hide just to show how perfect or clean your life is.

A christian radio dj once said ” You can judge, its in the bible. but you can never condemn anyone”.

ANSWERED PRAYER – 1 hour free time

GOD did gave the 1HOUR i prayed today 🙂 AMaYYYYYzhiiing!!!!

I was hesitant to go to makati this morning for a 4pm final interview,  because ive got tons to bake, i don’t feel like going out, and having second thought of getting that job.  BUT i know and something inside me is telling  that i need to. Yes i have to, because i have two kids to raise and i cant rely on my mom and the baking alone. The business is doing good, it pays the necessities but no extra for insurance, leisure and emergency. And need to save up for Blake’s school 2 years from now… (OH NO!!!)

I did experienced working, no weekends, no bonding days with my kid, no church and the NIGHT and SLEEPING are my best friend. Its a wasted time and life for me. Thinking back, i rather spent it with my kids and bake happily! But then i cant be selfish with my kids future. So i prayed about it, because i know my life is with God’s hands now. I know God already have laid out His good plan for me (best plan rather!).

I’ve been dealing with this dilemma for about a week now, after finishing the 2nd interview. I didnt look for this job, it just called me, so i figure “what the heck, let me just dip to it”. Since everything is going smoothly with the company, it panics me. I fear that im going to leave my BED, my easy going life, my kids, my care free decision at home, my movie marathon whenever i want (TAMAD LANG!) But honestly, i fear to go out because i fear that i might go back and love being independent, going out at night, being irresponsible and spend money as if i don’t have any obligation.  I fear to be who i was before.

So i prayed about it many times and the answer is always:

“Do not love sleep or you will grow poor, stay awake and you will have food to spare” (proverbs 20:13)

” A sluggard does not plow in season: So at harvest time he looks but finds nothing.” ( Proverbs 20:4)

Yah, i know God is telling me quit being so LAZY! 🙂 i admit it, i love taking a nap/sleep and just do whatever in my own time…

I kept on thinking what does God want me to do, and i kept on searching in my heart how to figure things out. SHOULD I get a job or SHOULD i bake full time?

and yesterday i came across with this:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean on not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I realize its not for me to understand everything but just TRUST in His way. Because whatever God’s will is good and right, not jut for me but for my family.

This morning, i woke up still waiting for an answer, IS THIS JOB RIGHT FOR ME, AM I READY?. i waited til i finished my errands and bake til 2:30pm (two cake still in the oven). I prayed again. And this time i got my answer. “STOP BEING SELFISH! GO NOW!” it was clear and i know it was God through the Holy Spirit. (NOPE, its not like a movie where there is a creepy voice.) So i took a bath, changed to corporate attire, explain and ask my helper to take the cake when its done (while combing my hair and putting some gloss) and check the time it was quarter to 3pm. (YEP girls can take a bath that fast too!).

BiTeeDub…Makati is a 45mins drive WITHOUT a traffic!  but its weekdays and FRIDAY means TRAFFIC.  so i need at least another hour to make it to makati driving.

i prayed again. This time for 1 hour free time. maybe 1 hour zoom to make it to 4pm in the venue, or make the HR manager to be late an hour.. prayed that for me to make it by 4pm.

Amazingly, the traffic wasn’t so bad going to makati, it was just enough for me to be outside the building in exact 4pm! But the problem is, i dont have anywhere to park the freaking car. Drove around for 20mins just to look for a parking space. SO IM 20MINS LATE! Went up to the building and look for the HR manager. The assistant told me, “MAM, im sorry can you wait, the manager is on a meeting!” and i replied with glittering of happiness in my two eyes ”SURE NO PROBLEM.” Waited for exact 40mins!

WOW!!!!!! God answered my prayer! God gave me the 1 hour free time to make it to the interview. i should have asked for atleast 30mins though 😛 hehehehe..

Anyway, God is faithful! Despite of my worries, he is there. Despite of my Doubt, he proves. Despite of my fear, he calms me. I realize i will not go back to who i was, because I DIED. Was ME, died with Christ already.

“For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” (Colossians 3:3)

And now Im New again, with Christ.  Jesus did not payed his own blood for nothing and im so greatful for the FORGIVENESS and especial for the SALVATION. I prayed that in any situation i will remember what he did. So whatever hang on my mind I KNOW EVERYTHING WILL BE OK and WILL be RIGHT because God’s Grace and Love is unending.

I have to wait til monday next week  for the result of my evaluation. I will just leave it to God. So no worries for me if i get in or not. 🙂

BLOPPERS moments:

– Going home, i hold my pee for more than an hour diving (FIRST TIME) it was crazy painful!!!! 🙂

– Went to the nearest Mcdonalds available to release liquid, and buy dinner.. Forgot to turn off my headlight as i park. it was on for 15mins inside the parking lot.

– went to parking and turn off the headlight. took a quick bite with the burger and fries (means half of everything) and drove away

– 2mins later the traffic enforcer stopped me. At first i thought maybe it was because i  was eating inside the car or there are fries inside my mouth saying hello! :)But it was just i forgot to turn the headlights again and  it was 8pm already.

My kid actions hit the “past me” in the booty

Ever heard a phrase from your parents that goes ” you will know what i meant, when you have your own baby”, when they cant figure out what to do with you.

My 9 years old son tantrum and complain everyday, with everything.  Before it was cute, but the older he gets the annoying it become. He is the quite type of kid, when angry or disappointed, he will just stare at you (frowning) and shuts up. They say that its better to have a cry baby than having a kid that loves to play silent treatment.

Honestly, most of the time i don’t know how to deal with him. But being more HONEST, i know. Because that was me, many years ago (too lazy to count back the years :P ). Every time, my son makes his game of tantrum, i think back why i tantrum before. Just to know and understand my sons emotion and to how to fix it. Mostly, its all about attention (like me before) and sometimes trust. But whenever i cant figure it out, 2 things pops on my mind ” Now you know what your parents is talking about” and “Damn, i was such a headache before!”  🙂

The advantage of knowing what you and your parents parenting before is that you can learn from it. I live with my grandparent when i was a kid, they are very strict with everything but super generous on rewards (ONLY WHEN YOUR GOOD)! Whenever i tantrum, the initial reaction is to scold and when i done something really bad i get hit (YUP they do that before, and its all good, thinking back how bratty i was). But one thing i don’t remember them teaching me how to say sorry for what i have done. I wanted to say sorry whenever im being bratty, but after i got scolded or hit, everything is back to normal again and it seems unnecessary already.

 

So every time my son realize what he is doing was wrong and so annoying (after scolding, and mini argument) , i give him a privilege to say sorry to me. Usually i also play silent treatment until he is sorry (HAHAHA!). I also apologize to him from getting mad, and the important thing is to say verbally that you accepted his apology.

How do you deal with your kids tantrum?