Picture vomit

My late thank you!

Its more than a month since my big problem deceased, and even i already told my full gratitude to the people who helped me; i feel like its not enough and i need to write a blog about it. Ranting about problems online is a great way of a release but giving thanks is way better.

Before anything else,

 THANK YOU. 

I know im not worthy of saving, but God still gave his mercy to me through Jesus Christ out of love. I never could have imagine that there are real people will also helped me and of course like Christ its out of love. I tried begging for help, tried alot of gimmicks to have a solution and prayed every single second for answers. i got so depressed, that my body just wanted to sleep all day; thinking my brains out for solution and hiding from shame. It was painful, mentally painful. the worst is that you have to act and be normal for your kids and family, not knowing you’re caryying a timebomb. Im ashamed really, but being too grateful for the love erases all the worries. Again, 

Thank you.

Thank you for constantly loving me. For accepting my many shortcomings and always believing that i can get up everytime i fall down. You keep on saying you are proud of me. But im more proud of you guys for loving alot of people like Christ. For choosing to love than shaming or not doing anything at all. I know im not the only one you have helped, though i know im the worst (no pun intended :p ) I love you Ate Mookee and Ate tibong. Again,

Thank you.

Rotting bad seed

So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. – Matthew 7:17

I feel like I’m a seed thrown in a rocky ground, it did sprung up but still died because it doesn’t have enough soil or enough depth. I’m tried of being a bad seed that keeps on being planted and keeps rotting.

My family loves me, and they always makes sure I can get up on so many bad situation I’ve been through. But I don’t know why! I keep on disappointing them and keep on disappointing myself. Its like the point of my existence is just to fail. My mom told me, out of frustration that “whatever you will do, you will fail.” I’m starting to believe her. Because even I wanted to change my past actions keeps pulling me down. As if it’s a wild party down there, that it will not be happy without me getting all the karma.

I really don’t understand why all my decisions is not working out in my life. Im worried because if I’m a bad fruit, the fruit that I will bear is also a bad fruit. Meaning my kids will have the same fate that I have. I’m not going to allow that! I have to figure out, how to get out from here.
I’m 28yrs. old and I’m still not stable, I can’t provide for my kids. I can’t provide for myself. I have all the ideas in the world, but I’m so scared because it might just fail. I guess I’m dreaming too high, that I can’t reach it. I’m trying to crawl into it but it’s doest have enough rope to go up.

I prayed and prayed, I cried most of the nights, I stayed at the shower for more than a hour just standing while the water pours down my regrets and staying up late just eyes wide open thinking and dreaming.

I’m in big trouble right now and nobody knows about it because I don’t want to disappoint everyone who loves me. I’m trying to fix things but I’m not getting anywhere. I have no idea how to deal with it and where to get advice. So im reading the Bible to look for guidance, and it all lead me of who I am. Sluggard, unrighteous, poor, disgraceful and alot of depressing adjective I can find. It hurts alot to know that God want to cut you from His branches.

And it Hit me.

I’ve been here before so many times and my God is always with me! Sometimes it’s a late answer, but he always does. FUCK YOU DEVIL for playing my mind! I know Im a sinner but my JESUS CHRIST already saved me. Whatever curse I’ve put myself I know God already cut it down!

Since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God
– 1peter 1:23

I will rise from this pit, because there is no deep pit that my JESUS love can’t reach. I believe that he will rescue me again.
I want to change, and I will change. Somehow I realize I need to grow up for my kids this time. No more sleeping on my responsibility!

A multimillionaire told me, ”
you have to change your mentality regarding money”. I guess he is right. Maybe my mindset on things is not where it should be. But one thing I know that I can learn to be good and be better. I will get better for my kids this time.

Last chance from so many chances.

Lord please give me provision and lots of wisdom to get out of this problem, and give me that one last chance to a clean slate life. Thank you!

Last rant for the week!

When it lingers

I have lost the love of my life twice back in 2006 and 2009. Even its been so long the pain keeps on lingering. It will linger when you feel so helpless, you will feel it when your whole life with them it the best moment of your life, your tears will pour when you miss their smile and voice, and you will tear apart when you find yourself so depressed because they are the only person who you want to be proud of you.

I was looking at the old photos of my grandparents, because im going to print it for my store. The store was my grandparents, and im turning it into a small food/ cake hub. I was just scrolling and saving pictures until a drop of tear fell on my lap. And it burst. I have two kids and i love them, but i dont  think i ever love a person more than i love my grandparents. They were my parents while my mom and dad live somewhere far with my brother. I keep on telling myself before when they were alive that, “its better for me to die, than seeing my Lolo and lola pass away because i dont i can take it”. But i did faced the inevitable, and it broke myself completely. Of course, i live my life, i smiled, laughed and i became happy and i thought some of the time, that somehow i can take it. But still you will mourn for your true love forever. I just miss them so much. i hope they are just here to see me keep on standing despite my failures. i hope to share my  crazy ideas to success. i hope for them to see how i became a mother to my kids. I hope to become them as a mother and father. as a family.

Its just painful, til i see you again.

My underlying problems

I’m not sure if my faith is making me blind. and having this thought, that makes me want to question my own faith with God. Not that I’m losing belief. But rather, I’m scared of having too much of it is making me blind to reasons. I have a BIG problem, that I cannot solve on my own. But I’m not worried because I know God will give me breakthrough.And I have a strong faith that he will help me, like how he helped me Everytime. I’m worried, for not worrying. Time already passed I should have delt with my problem, still I don’t have any solutions. I’m still waiting for God. I know God don’t answer, the way we want him to answer and I know we must act too. But still no answer. I’m just scared to face that there is no answer to it, because I’m not the only person who is going to be affected with problem but my two sons. Lord please answer me.

Home

The Richness of your heart, is rewarded with a Sweetest indebtedness

Source: Home

Single parent bubbles

You’re growing so fast

Im scared it wouldn’t last

I was so young, having you

Too childish to realize you needed me too

I searched for myself,

Just to find, that everything of me is in you.

Time had passed

The moment we should have had lapsed

The ABC and 123 was taught

But the tantrums and No’s is what I caught

The manners and responsibilities was known

And still I can’t remember who have shown

You deserve a life greater than what I had

Now my everything is lacking, even if I add

Im ashame of me, as your provider

What I have is not enough, for you and your brother

I don’t know how to start,

And I know there are still a lot to choke

Especially the promises that I broke

Our life is not like a Lego that you played

When it turns out wrong, you can just remade

But I’m willing to put the lost pieces into place

It’s my obligation that I have to make

And this time, there is no mistake

Looking at you, growing just fine

Still I can’t believe, that you are mine

Seeking to be closer to HIM

Im not a NEWBIE with my faith, but just recently i DECLARE that i want to build stronger RELATIONSHIP with Our Lord JESUS CHRIST. ~Its not that i want to be “GOODY GOODY” person or a “HOLY” to others, but to be HOLY and SHAMELESS to my Father, Almighty. I dont know if you ever felt the urge of seeking for His presence, not just because your broke or have a major problem but the sense of being complete and wanted peace.

I seek God many times in my life, and many times i failed because the temptation is just much stronger than my faith. And due to that, i usually end up making a bad choice and in a FUCKED UP situation. But still God makes his weird way to pull me back to HIM… And i so grateful that he does that.

2 weeks ago, i finally had the courage to sign up for a VICTORY GROUP (a church groupss of individual with same faith from a same church). So i fill-up a card with my name, age and civil status. I checked “SINGLE” and wrote on the side “mother”, just to make sure ill belong to a group with same situation.

Then last week ago, someone texted and invited me to their group. I replied and went this last sunday to meet her. I call her “N”, she’s very witty, younger than me and older in faith. We did this “121” or 1 on 1, by getting to know each other and sharing each other experiences with the grace of the LORD.

It was exciting, coz finally i have someone i can talk and go to that will help me build a stronger relationship with God. We used this booklet, as a guide. Actually she gave it to me as a gift. (ehem! its not for free) There are 7 stages to discuss, 1 stage per meeting.

Now let me take you to my “121” journey..

As a START

–Stop TRUSTING in yourself and just TRUST in Jesus Christ alone for salvation.

8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – 9not by works, so that no one can boast (EPHESIANS 2:8,9)

How great is that? not to worry and just trusting. i know its hard to trust everything in one person, especially to someone you cant see on a daily basis or ever!. But isn’t great  that there is someone who so more than willing to help you carry everything your thinking and worrying about.  when you analyze or trying to understand your own thought, mostly it end up as mess. And you end up more on thinking and worrying again. You should trust His WILL for you, because what he wants for us is whats good for us.

–Turn away from everything the bible calls sin

Nevertheless, God’s solid foundation stand firm, sealed with this inscription: “the Lord knows those who are his,” and, “everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from wickedness.” (2 TIMOTHY 2:19)

As my mentor “N” read this to me. I told her this will the most challenging part, because we sinned everyday. We are Human Being, and its our nature. Its our nature to be lustful, to be angry, to be insensitive to others, to keep bitterness in our heart and lots of bad things. SO ITS HARD to turn away to something you are not aware your doing. But you know what!, “if there is a will, there is a way” and if you really focus your eyes to Jesus. You might not avoid sin, but you will be aware and you will know how to stop or react.

I prayed about this a long time ago, for God to tell me what to do or how to avoid things that make me shameful to his eyes. In my amaze every time there is something bad that’s going to happen that eventually gonna  affect on people. I usually have dreams before it happens. Dreams that i acted BADLY, and waking up on that  gives me an opportunity to reflect. And when the same situation arise (usually as soon i woke up), i know what to do. YES it maybe a coincidence, but it happened to me more the twice. AS IN the same situation in my dreams (FREAKY!). The only difference is my reaction to the situation and the result. I consider that as a gift.

But as simple as you know its a sin and you know there is a  guilt, it is enough stop whatever it is.

–Attend a small group for personal discipleship and weekly worship services.

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching. (HEBREW 10:25)

I did attempt many times to get into a victory group, but i usually ignore their texts or invites because i don’t have time or don’t want to waste my time on it. Even in reading a bible, ill read straight for a week, then ill just got bored and stop. So somehow giving up on whats important was became a habit.

But now i realize the importance of having someone who can guide you to your walk with God. Its really nice you have a friend with the same faith, someone who can pray for you, someone who can pray with you and someone who can remind you the right path to take 🙂

Its like a coal with fire, if you dont feed the coal with more coal as it burns. The fire will eventually die. But if you put more coal on it, the fire will be stronger.

–Read and obey your bible everyday.

“Do not let this Book of the law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.Then you will be prosperous and successful.” (JOSHUA 1:8)

If you read a bible for the sake of just reading it, you will eventually fail to finish it cover to cover 🙂 IT WILL DEFINITELY BORE you OUT! ive been there. i will just read half a chapter and im gone to wonderland.

But if your seeking for God, for guidance, for sense of completeness, for hope, then bible is your first bet than a chick flick story book. The bible is a very interesting book, it has horror, action, suspense, drama, bit of comedy, revelations, and the best part is ITS REALLY TALKING ABOUT YOUR SALVATION, and HOW GOD LOVES YOU by giving His only SON (Unlike other books that has a certain target market). Plus its a guidelines how to live your life according to our Father.

–Tell others about your new relationship with Christ

“19Jesus did not let him, but said, “Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.”20 So the man went away and began to tell in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him. And all the people were amazed. (MARK 5: 19,20)

Have you ever experience the first time you said I LOVE YOU/YES/I DO to your love one? The excitement, the butterfly in your stomach and the exploding of feelings that you wanted to TELL the whole WORLD that you love that person? Its the same with having a relationship with JESUS. No shame will cover you emotion from SHOUTING how you are LOVE and BLESS with God’s GRACE 🙂

Word vomit

I just found out that my stupidity somehow saved my life. But now that i know, i just got a little bit more scary

I know its delusional, but i felt like im just spinning around in my sadness and not getting off it, because somehow in my little broken heart felt that its the only connecting strip that i can reach you in my sub conscience. Im afraid to accept that im already fine and complete through Jesus Christ, because i might stop thinking about you, i might forget you.

The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand. Psalm 37:23-24

Someone facebooking me.

A close friend of mine told me, that she was surprised that  her relatives ( whom she havent seen for along time) asked about who i am. They asked, if i’m married and if i have a boyfriend. And of course my friend told them the truth and its a “NO” / “NONE”. I’m not really surprised with those questions, what i’m surprised about is that i’m worth stalking outside my own circle of relatives (No pun intended).

It just made me think, who i am in the eyes of a stranger, and a snooping relatives (no pun intended). [ Yup! we all have those relatives snooping around, just for fun and something the occasional my family is better than yours scenarios, anyway back to my point] So i checked my Fb wall as far as i can and i asked myself what is my perception of this girl. i’m not really writing to explain myself of who i am or how i behave online, and not even to explain my way for you to like me.

My first reaction as a viewer was that she has a 2 kids with 2 different father and no trace of origin, a person who can bake and sell cakes, complain a lot with time and being busy tired,have time to hang out with friends, love to take picture with her kids, and have a smarty pants 3 years old. I did checked it really far, where she goes out a lot with friends a long time ago.

Not much to be curious about really, except for my kids origin part. I know being single mom so young is an eye catcher already but adding a twist of 2 kids with two different father visibly is something to look at. If i’m the stranger checking other accounts with similar situation, ill look for the possible father.

My life is too unorthodox, (Dodging a lot of bullet right now) because its already an open book with a title of “She slept with 2 different men”, “wedlock” or “she’s having a premarital sex.”  Despite of the all out media about sex, facing the reality in front of your face that there are real people that are related to you or to your family that was involve in an infamy situation is still shocking for others.

One of my favorite review from my relative ( whom I’ve never met that time), who told my cousin that i was “Too liberated”, source of judgment “Facebook photos”. And the best one that I’ve heard was from my former paramour that his friend has a bad reviews about me, and i’m not good for him, source of judgment having kids.

I can never blame all of them to be curious or judgmental, i’m not even offended with their snooping around because it is natural for someone to react that way. Yes, it may sting a bit, but the fact that they can only base their perception on me is through that wall. Somehow i myself is to blame, because i’m the one who is in control of what to post about my life. There will always be a filter of what you can give to others, but there are also part of your self you cannot hide just to show how perfect or clean your life is.

A christian radio dj once said ” You can judge, its in the bible. but you can never condemn anyone”.